


Believe (2009)

by JennyB



Series: Advent 2009 [10]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Advent Challenge 2009, Companionship, Developing Relationship, M/M, Tenderness, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-10
Updated: 2009-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-05 14:08:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1094820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hakkai is wishing for a Christmas miracle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Believe (2009)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [svana_vrika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/svana_vrika/gifts).



> Written for Advent Challenge 2009. Prompt: Christmas star.

It was a little after midnight and Sanzo was wide awake. After lying in bed for another ten minutes, he finally got dressed and went outside for a smoke. He lit the stick, and as he took a long, deep drag, he realized that he wasn't alone. About twenty feet away and sitting on a stone bench was Hakkai. And he was staring up at the sky. For a long while, Sanzo just watched him, torn between leaving him to his business and joining him to see what he was doing. He initially opted for the latter, but when he heard a soft sigh and saw that the healer was now leaning forward and resting his forearms on his knees, he rolled his eyes and went to sit next to him. It wasn't that Hakkai had asked for the company, or had even acknowledged the priest's presence, but he knew the other's moods well enough by now to know when he was walking that fine line between nostalgia and melancholy. For the longest time, he didn't say anything - he just smoked and enjoyed the silence. That was something he'd always liked about Hakkai. He was content to just sit and not irritate him with a lot of idle chat. Though sometimes, Sanzo almost wished he'd say more. The brunet was a riddle - one that often gave him a headache as he tried to figure him out. He was fairly good at reading most people, but Hakkai eluded him. He supposed it was, in part, due to that damned omnipresent smile. As he ground out his heater under the heel of his boot, he glanced over at the demon.

"Good evening, Sanzo," Hakkai greeted with a soft smile when he felt the other's gaze on him. "It's a lovely night tonight," he continued, and then he fell silent once more, his attention remaining fixed on the sky.

"Yeah," Sanzo mumbled in reply, and when the healer didn't continue to talk, he also looked skyward. As his eyes adjusted, he took note of a couple of shooting stars, and he watched some low-orbit satellites traversing across the darkness. After a couple of minutes, his curiosity finally won and he asked, "What are you looking at?"

The corners of the brunet's mouth turned up in a small smile. "When I was young, the sisters at the orphanage used to tell us that if you looked hard enough, you could see heaven among the stars."

Sanzo arched a brow, and looked quizzically at the healer. "You're looking for heaven?" he asked dubiously. "Sounds like an idealistic goal."

A soft chuckle fell from the other's lips. "Hardly," Hakkai replied, and he finally turned his attention to his companion. "Even if the story were true, all things considered, I'd say it's a pretty futile endeavour for me to seek it. I mean honestly, Sanzo, do you really think they'd let me in?" He snorted softly in amusement. "No, I'm not looking for the door to Paradise. I was just thinking about how paradoxical my logic is. I never really believed the sisters, but that didn't stop me from looking anyway. I didn't want to miss it just in case I was wrong. I essentially turned my back on faith, refusing to believe the intangible, and yet, I still held onto that bit of hope. In some ways, part of me wanted very much for their story to be true, but I could never make myself take that final step. To believe in the seemingly impossible." He turned away from the priest then, and gazed out across the street in front of him. "Even now, it's the same. There are things I long for. Yet, no matter how badly I may want them, given everything I know, I also know they're quite improbable."

Sanzo didn't say anything in response. Instead, he shook another Marlboro from the pack and lit it. He knew that Hakkai was feeling him out; getting to his point in a very roundabout way, as if to gauge his reaction. "Everyone has dreams, Hakkai," he said finally as he held the burning stick between his fingers. "That's hardly something unique to you." He did smirk inwardly. It hadn't escaped him that the demon hadn't said _impossible_.

The brunet smiled at that. "Yes, that's true. But to dream the futile dream? To me, it seems counterproductive, and a good way to make yourself miserable." He paused for a moment, and then asked, "Do you know what day today is, Sanzo?"

"It's December twenty-fifth."

"Yes, but do you know the significance of the day?"

Sanzo nodded as he finished off his smoke. "Christmas day. I'm not unfamiliar with it."

Hakkai smiled again, not surprised by that revelation. "Yes. Like the nuns' story of heaven, there's a Christmas story based on faith, belief, and hope. It tells of the Christmas Star - a very special star that allegedly only appears in the night sky on Christmas morning for a very brief time. The story says that miracles befall anyone who gazes upon it." His expression turned slightly sheepish. "Like that eight-year old boy searching for the gate to heaven, I'm looking for my Christmas miracle. I don't expect to ever find it, but I look for it just the same."

"What's it supposed to look like?"

"I don't know. I suppose that's part of the mystery of the whole thing. No one knows what it is he seeks, until he finds it." He laughed, a hint of self-deprecation in his voice. "But then, that's the way miracles work, ne?"

"So what is it you seek?" Sanzo asked, and then he shook his head and turned to look down the road. "Never mind; it's none of my business."

There was a long moment of silence. Then Hakkai said very quietly, "My soul mate."

Sanzo's jaw tightened a little. "I suppose it's normal that you'd wish for your wife back," he said brusquely. He shook his last cigarette out of the package, and held it between his lips for a long time before he lit it. "I should leave you to your searching, then."

"I never said Kanan," came the murmured response, and the blond's head snapped around at that. Hakkai smiled sadly, and he glanced up into the night once more. "I thought long and hard about why I never had any sense that anything was wrong when Kanan was taken. I loved her very much, yes, and still do. Though I've come to a very difficult realization, one that's rather hard for me to admit still, but she was my blood, not my mate. We talked a lot, and we laughed together, but we didn't have an innate bond to know what the other was thinking, or feeling." He shifted a little on the bench, and crossed one leg over the other at the knee. "Maybe you were right earlier when you said it was an idealistic goal for me."

"Maybe." Sanzo didn't say anything for a long time, and when he finally spoke, he said, "And maybe you were wrong when you spoke of the futile dream. Is the pursuit of your own happiness really a wasted effort?" He snorted a little. _Do we really make you that unhappy that you feel you need someone else? Do you not see the bond you share with us? With...me?_

Hakkai didn't answer him, but after a moment, he did slide his arm over to take the priest's hand in his. When the other didn't tense or pull away from him, he shifted his hold to twine their fingers together, and he just loosely rested their conjoined hands on the bench between them. "I suppose that depends, Sanzo."

"On what?" He briefly glanced down. He could feel the coolness of the other's fingers, and the warmth of his skin, and he found it felt pleasant enough. It was gentle and not overbearing, and it didn't leave him wanting to recoil. That, and Hakkai wasn't making a big deal about it - it just was what it was.

"On whether my happiness would cause others harm."

"Hakkai? Do -" He stopped himself, violet eyes widening when he saw a bright light in the sky. It started out small, and then flared brilliantly for a few seconds, seeming to briefly illuminate the entire sky. As it faded, Sanzo felt a warmth spread inside of him - soft and slightly tingly, not unlike the sensation of Hakkai's healing chi. It was almost as if that fire in the sky had been concentrated and pressed inside of him. His mouth to turned up in a small smile. "Did you see that?"

Hakkai didn't reply, but he did nod, his green eyes sparkling softly and a true, genuine smile settling on his face.

"Was that it?" the blond asked after a moment.

"Who can say?" Hakkai replied, but he did chuckle a little, his heart warming a little when he saw the small, genuine smile. "Though, if you want to know how I feel about it, the timing was quite coincidental."

Sanzo nodded. "Mm hmm. That's probably all it really was." He glanced sidelong at the healer as he reached for a cigarette and slipped it between his lips, and then fumbled for his lighter one-handed so as not to have to let go of the other. "You know, unless of course you have some faith to believe in things like miracles and wishes and that kind of shit." He took a long draw off the stick, and then smirked a bit as he pursed his lips and exhaled. "I'm not saying that I _do_ , exactly, but if I did, then this might be a time that I would."

Hakkai just smiled at that, and he turned his eyes back to the sky, a contented expression settling on his face as he gave Sanzo's hand a small squeeze in return. He watched the other stars twinkle softly, and he felt completely at peace just sitting in companionable silence with the blond. "You know something?" he remarked after a few moments had passed. "I think that maybe I might, too."


End file.
